Wednesday, January 25, 2006

emerging from the cave

if you know me, you know i speak in constant superlatives. "the best movie in human history..." or "the absolute worst piece of pizza i have ever encountered in the free world..." you get the point. well, in the spirit of this fine tradition, let me just say that i may have recently emerged from one of the darkest periods of my entire human life on earth in 29 years of life...

i think i'll forego the details in favor of the insights...

the last several months of my life have been characterized by an intense degree of discontent (see every other posting by this author). basically, any city would be better than this, any job better than mine, any church better than ours. i have not been able to pinpoint the source of this flood of pessimism, nor had i been able to stop its flow. i've had my share of patient listeners, as well as impatient friends of job. i've seen my leadership gifts withering on the vine, my relationships straining and breaking, and my time wasted. i've watched my hope, even my eternal hope, fade, my certainties crumble, and my passions grow cold. i've stopped loving, caring, and serving, those actions replaced by self-obsession and envy. my laptop has too few keys and buttons for me to fully express all that has happened, but it has culminated with the nastiest (althought thankfully short-lived) illness i have experienced in my usually healthy life.

if i could point to an serendipitous event, a desperately uttered prayer, or even a wise words from a friend, i could probably write a best-selling christian self-help book called, "praying your way to daily happiness" or "control: how you can make god do want you want him to" and going on a speaking tour and get pa-id.

but i can't. all i know is that today i feel better. healthy. content. hopeful. faithful. today i desire more than anything to stop thinking about me and my happiness and starting giving me and my gifts away. (if there be any takers!)

i know that people are in need all around me, and as rob bell would say, that is just unacceptable.

i know that real life is life together, like bonhoeffer writes.

i know that my church is the center point of my social and spiritual existance, so the decision of where to join is not one to be taken lightly, and is certainly not to based on the style of worship, number of programs or members, or the "color of the carpet" issues that often drive our decisions.

i know that i have hope in Christ and Christ alone. no pastor. no friends. no books. no theologians.

i know that peace in our hearts, relationships, and even international realtions is really difficult, but ultimately possible.

i know that life IS NOT about buying stuff, being comfortable, or getting ahead.

...and i know when it's time to end a blog entry.


Jon said...

Good post amigo. Thanks for being honest as always and your comment about speaking in superlatives took me down memory lane. Something about what you write gives me hope in what we should truly put our faith in, Jesus and nothing else. Thanks for that, I need that reminder.

kara said...

Okay, I get it now. I think it's even more true now. Does this stuff really matter? It will all pass away soon and we will feel completely fulfilled. Until then, we are meant to feel a little slighted. So that we continue to pursue Christ. Or, maybe we are meant to live in missoula.